Thursday, July 21, 2011

Friday 20th May, 2011.

Girl With An Addiction is getting serious now.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." ~Marilyn Monroe

This blog will be a very touchy one, and so I ask that you don't judge. Seriously, I'm already doubting whether I'll be able to even finish it, let alone stand people's pathetic and daft judgements.

And stress less, I won't go into much detail, and everyone shall stay anonymous.

I wouldn't say I've had the best life. Actually, I'd say the complete opposite. No, I'm not dramatising and being melo-dramatic. If you think I am, then you seriously have no idea. Take this blog as an insight to the what actually goes on in someone's head, and of what's actually out there. If you're niave, then you need to face it one day- these things happen, a lot more than you expect. Accept it, the world is a really awful place, and if you don't open your eyes and take in some experience, then you're pretty much doomed. Oh, and being blunt is my specialty.

I don't want to sound conceited, but I'm a good person. I have good values, I follow rules (when I want to, haha), I try very hard not to judge, I don't gossip, and I generally tell the truth. I like school, I have a life plan, and I try and see the good in everyone. I believe that every person is a good person; they just have bad things happen to them, or happen to go down the wrong road.

The past few years for me, in a list of adjectives, have been:

  • Traumatic
  • Fantastic
  • Awful
  • Horrid
  • Fun
  • Great
  • Spiritual
  • Deep
  • Happy
  • Depressing
  • Rollercoaster-like

That list is weird to me. Want to know why? "Yes, do tell!" It's up and down. It's got a whole list of words that are so contradictory, it hurts my brain. That, or I'm just tired. 

I have a lot of things going on, and whether or not you know me as a close friend, a co-worker, a family member, or an acquaintance, you don't need to know every detail, so I'll keep this short and simple.

I would have written this after it actually happened, but I haven't been very creative lately, for reasons I shall explain soon enough. So I do apologise for the massive delay, and I hope you can all forgive me!

Friday the 20th of May was the day that changed my life. The start of the beginning (or something new as Zac Efron would say). It was one of the worst days of my life. 
I did a few things that I am not ashamed of, nor do I regret them. I say this because it has made me who I am right now, right this day, right this hour, and right this minute.

Yes, I didn't need to do what I did, but I did, and so I faced the consequences of my actions, and in some ways, still am.

I had a breakdown that Friday. A huge breakdown. I cannot even describe it properly. Often, I'm prone to having a few minor breakdowns and anxiety issues, but not like this. This is a very rare thing; I hope.

The day before (Thursday), I was told by a friend in my year that a few of my so called "friends" had been spreading rumours about me. Horrible rumours that I don't even want to repeat and I cant express my hurt and frustration to the full extent that I feel. 
3 people who I considered great, respecting, loyal friends betrayed my trust, and destroyed what I thought were good friendships. 
You know who you are, and I want to know that I want absolutely nothing to with you, and I want you to never think of us as anything more than acquaintances and classmates. You are nothing but that to me, and hopefully never will be. This may be conceited, but I know full well that I deserve better than the "friendship" that you gave me. 

Anyways, so I was obviously extremely hurt and upset about what had happened. I went to first period as usual, participated in class a little more quiet than usual, and left class when the bell rang in tears.

I couldn't take it anymore.
I'd had enough.
I couldn't stand people acting the way they were.
I couldn't stand who I was.
I couldn't stand school.
I couldn't stand church.
I couldn't handle anything anymore.

I went to the bathroom and just sat on the floor for about half an hour. I was feeling so many emotions. I couldn't think straight. Everything was a mass of obscene situations, a blur of thoughts, and I was crash-landing, and fast.
My make-up had run, my eyes were sore, and my throat was dry from coughing, from crying so much.

I was breaking down, worse than I ever had before.

Now, before you freak out, which you will, I want to clear something up.
I have depression. And anxiety.
And yes, I am mentally unstable. 
I have a long history of horrid self-harm and self-destruction that i do not wish to delve into. 
I am on anti-depressants and I'm getting there.

Usually when I am close to this point, I would self-harm, in any way possible. I know it's bad, I know it can ruin your life, and others, but you see, I don't care. there's no point in explaining why, because you won't understand. You say you could, but unless you're me, you won't. Ever.

By the time I actually thought it would be smart to go to the office, I didn't care anymore. I was doomed. It was over.

So, I self-harmed. Terribly. 

If you know me well enough, you'll know what I actually did.

Daft me, forgetting it was a sport day, forget that about a dozen plus girls would be getting changed in the bathroom not long after. 

I got out my phone, messaged a good friend, and he got my best friend to come and find me. 

Sure enough, she found me within 5 minutes.

And there I was, in the last cubicle, mascara smudged below my eyes, my fringe and clothes damp from tears, and the cubicle a mess.

As soon as she saw me the tears just started rolling for both of us.

The other girls (uncertain of what in the hell was going on) took that as a sign to get  a teacher, and leave.

I don't really remember the next half hour, but I know a few teachers came in, the bathroom was in lock-down for the whole 40 minutes of break, and people were freaking out.

Soon enough I was bandaged up and taken to the office, where I spent the next hour or so being interrogated by the staff. Twas very fun. Not.

I don't really think you all need to know what happened after, but the whole ordeal was a lot worse for everyone else than it was me.

I'm not really sure what to say at this point, so I'll just leave with a few last notes:

The world is brutal. If you don't start realising who you're true friends are now, than chances are you won't know for a long time, or you may never know. Trust your instincts when it comes to friends, and try not to trust too much. You could end up having pathetic, selfish, heartless morons spreading rumours about you!

Self-harm and self-destruction is not the answer. It may seem like it at the time, but years down the track you'll look back at those scars and wonder "I could have lived so much happier..." So why don't you? Make an effort to do at least one good thing a day. It's contagious and makes you feel better. I never believed people when they said that it's never the right answer, and "it will only make you feel worse." But I suppose you don't realise just how much it pulls you down, until after you've made it past the finish line.

I want to especially say thank you to everyone who helped me. My teachers, my classmates, my youth leaders, my friends, and my family.
I especially thank a few people in particular:

Anonymous Friend #1:
Thank you. You have been so close to me for a while now, and I feel like we are blood-related. In some ways, I think of you as my other half. "You complete me" Haha.You were the first person to find me after my incident, you were the first person to cry with me, you were the first person to hug me, and you were the first person to say "I love you, Jess" on that day. Even though you had no idea what to say or do, just knowing that you wanted to help, and knowing that you care for me, was enough to make me realise how lucky I am to have you as a friend, and as a sister.
Thank you for sticking by me, for never giving up on me, and for listening to me rant about how much I hate life and everything in it.
I love you.

Anonymous Friend #2:
I don't even know where to begin with you! Over the past year (maybe?) I've gone to you for advice, prayer, bible-verses, venting, yelling, swearing, laughing, and loving. You have listened to me rage about nothing, vent about family, complain about school work, and cry over guys. I know for a fact that you prayed for me so much during that time, even if you don't admit it; I know you did, and still do. You gave the best advice out of everyone I went to, and I know I'm stubborn and don't want to listen, but I'd often go back over our conversations and take your advice... Well, some of it. Haha. I honestly have no idea where I would be without you now. Even though your constant bible-verse-giving ways can be irritating at times, and even though I may yell and fight with you over nothing, I want you to know that I really do appreciate it. You are truly a blessing in my life, and I hope we will always be as close as we are today. 
I love you.

Anonymous People #3:
I'm counting you as a whole, because that's how I see you, and I hope you cry while you read this. I've known one of you since before I was born, and the other for the past few years. I love you both with all my heart and without you my life would, literally, be nothing.
There are not enough words to describe how much you both mean to me, so I'll sum it up (that, and I don't want to cry):
I love you.

I did these things because I was being bullied. Bullied by people I considered as equals, as friends. They are not, and never will be, anything more to be.
Bullying is a serious issue, and I sincerely hope these people know the devastating consequences this can have on people, and on them.

I hope you got something out of this blog, and not just thoughts like, "oh she's just overreacting." You're entitled to your own opinions, but if you really believe that, then you do not know me at all, and I suggest you do not judge a book by it's a cover.

One last thing:
I couldn't give a crap who reads this. Coworker, teacher, classmate, friend, family member; I don't care. What's happened, has happened. I am not ashamed. I will no hide behind a facade, and be someone who I'm not.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." ~Marilyn Monroe

I am me, and you can't change that.

Girl With An Addiction